Friday, February 23, 2007

what has happened? oh my. what happened to me? why do i think this way? no no i cannot think too much. it's never gonna happen. it's not possible anyway. i don't know about her. she didn't specify! i am so worried and paranoid.
God, help me. why is this happening? this is so not right. it is not right in the first place. this as been happening to me since (let me think...) sec 2. and i thought it would not happen again! but it did again. it is not possible. why? what did she do? nothing. all she did was... i don't know and don't want to know! it is really not right. i won't dare to face her now. so yucks! yucks. disgusting. gross. how can you let this happen to me? i know it's not your fault, it's mine. really. during sec 2 it is also my fault. and i kept all those to myself. i know that person somehow knew. i don't know how to describe. and sec 3. again. i did the same thing again. but it's not same person. damn it. and she knew like duh. oh please. help me get rid ofthis thought! argh. yucks. MCR! i love you. i need mt bed now. tmr going to TKGS. i think they are nice people.

but still tmr. i see her almost everyday.
this person was online @ 9:45 PM

i love to dao you. hehe bro.

i shall post this here for you lor.

I understand, everything
All that's on your mind.
But, why? Why did you not show your feelings
And chose to hide behind?

Behind all those tears,
Covering up your fears.
All the while, you've been beside me,
With yor tiny and weak heart, weeping.

Can you not see?
There is a bright light before you,
Leading you out of darkness,
Back to where you'd harness.

When you're back,
Your heart filled with peace and serenity.
Here, thre'll be no screams and shouts,
That had been gunshots to your ears.

Now that you're back here,
Do forget those dark times.
For what you've seen and heard,
Will remain as a dream. Forever.
-retardprince

hehe. i know it's lame la. that's what i always say ya know. ber said it's quite emo! lol. and yinxue said she feels a great impact when she read this, but the one that they read was before editing. but overall it's still the same. no worries.

Carrie: C is for chocolate
Grandfather: D iz for zchocolate
Carrie: C
Grandfather: D ar
Carrie: C! [giggles]
Grandfather: D la. zhe yang lao le hai chi zchocolate. haiya.( Translation: so old still eat zchocolate)

super cute. listen to 98.7 FM!
dan and yang.
this person was online @ 9:26 PM

Sunday, February 18, 2007

when i look at you guys. especially your tags and your frequent sayings i want grandpa i nd grandpa. i would sigh to myself, "stop being childish". i would think, has our friendship faded throughout the years? i really think and think. i just don't understand. do you know why i choose to sit with aqila on the bus? because i feel that she understands me better, i feel appreciate when i am with her. she gives me a warmth feeling. i felt the same way with you a few years back, but not now. i don't understand what is the reason. isit, because of me? or you? i really want to talk to you about this, but i guess you'll shoo me off again, saying that i am so troublesome, that is the feeling you always give me. i feel that you always seem happier with others and i can't understand why. sighx. i feel so tired and stressed when i keep getting upset over these matters. then i'll feel guilty that i can't make you people happy and the others can. haix. i know that not everyone like to see my face and be expected to smile and be happy, but as least tell me. not like keep me in the dark. yups. that's really my true feelings. i guess i can't talk to you in person, so i type in my blog, hope you'll understand my side of story now. sighz, i guess i can only sigh and talk to myself now, now that idiotic me had drive everyone away. "serve you right, you bossy sensitive little thing."

i don't want no more misunderstandings.
i just want true friends if that's what you call it.
being there for each other.

sorry once again, f i've hurt you more then once in the past. tahnks for all that you've done in the past -- being middlemen for so many of my friends.

sorry and thanks
:l
this person was online @ 7:14 PM

for once, i did not twist your words. and i did not run to my LITTLE friends to act pathetic. they are not little. at least they understands me. i totally agree that they don't understand your side of story, totally, yes. so now, you too doesn't understand some parts of my story. so now it is that we both can't understand each other's side of story and plus! you were insensitive, agree on that. and for me, i was insensitive too, you know for sure! why do i always turn to these juniors of mine, you may ask. i want to turn to you too, but the feeling you give me is like before i can say anything i'll feel the rejection. because you simply don't listen. and at least livia and aqila, they do listen, give me advice. you give advice too, but the next time i want to talk to you, i'll feel very unwelcome. and for once, i told them the truth and never twist your words. you also don't see it here do you? and i don't see your side so it is 50:50. so now, i am not begging, kneeling down before you to make up with you, but just for your info, i don't like disputes. so whether we want to continue this friendship or just stop it here and get done with this childish little thing. yes, i am childish at times. i know that. that is my weak point, but that doesn't mean you don't have weak points. now, i need to tell you the truth. from young, i had NO childhood. no sympathy here please. the reason was, i was always locked up in my house alone, my parents going to work. i didn't know what the world was like to me. and from primary 4 we shift house and that was when i began to meet some new friends and all. i was like now still this not very sociable girl. so from young my mum was very protective of me and made me feel as if i was still a little baby. right. and until now, i have this little brother, then that made me realised that i am this big sister, 15 yrs apart. i have to be independent. i tried to changed, to suit the everchanging circle of friends. i've changed. but maybe like you said, i am still so immature. well, that's for me. i've opened up my heart, my inner self, told you my side of story. and i don't understand you, that means you are saying that you can't tolerate this anymore, you've put up with me for so long, why not tell m earlier and not until now? yes, i am sensitive, i cry at every single thing. and you think i am blowing it up. right. i am so sensitive that i can manage to spot things that no one else can. alright. i've been brought up like that, i had not much friends in primary school, and you were once popular isn't it? i have not much confidence. everyone has low self esteem, yes. that's not surprising. right, so i complain about very slight little things. and you? middleman for me and GV, me and baohui, me and sweejin(err.. actually it's for swejin and me. u should complain to her if you are not happy). is that a problem? so yeah, helping your friends make peace with another friend is such a burden for you? no? you've asked me to help you choose your shirt size, yea that's a small thing again right? so why ask me? sometimes, little things i've helped you, u've all forgotten, or have you not. if not, you always prefer sj or other people. yea so she is amusing, yes. but me, i am boring. yes not enough to entertain you. so must every friend of yours be entertaining and then you'll be their friend? think about that. yea, i agree that you have the right to talk with people, laugh and have fun with people who are not me, yes. yea yea, i don't know. yea yea.

so much for sitting together last year. so much for this 3 and a half years friendship. people always say when they have gone through thick and thin together, they'll get to know each other better. you must be pretty pissed off right now. i was quite pissed when i read your blog too. but i read it a second time, i tried to stand in your shoes and think. yes, maybe shangyu was really childish afterall. but sometimes, you are insensitive(truth it is), like going to sj when i am sitting here. if i were you, i would have asked you, "do you want to join us to sit there?" just forget about the past, i hope. i mean those bad times. i still remember during sec 2, we meet up early in the morning to prepare for SYF, i remember you coming to my class after school to get changed and go for band. have you forgotten how we signed up together for the job attachment? how we want to go to JC together? now, my friend, have you forgotten? maybe now you'll regret what you've said(like being my true friend and going to JC, blah blah). but i never will. i had always thought that you forgot about those good times, tell me that i'm wrong.

"let me ask you, do you regret knowing me as a friend?" my answer for that is no, i don't regret knowing you as a friend. you've taught me alot in the past years, like how to treasure a present given to me, and how to speak proper english, although i still suck, and how to love MCR. i have not forgotten. but i can't believe that you wrote those harsh words in your blog. harsh like getting really sick and pissed off with me la. i am very paranoid with people, yes. when they look at me and talk, i'll be kinda paranoid. and sometimes, it is true that they are talking about me. well maybe because they never seem to look in your way when talking about your back. yea. or you just don't care. i don't really care much, although i know that i am still very irritating to tell you every single thing, you see, i have no one to talk to at home(i mean pple about the same age). poot.

after careful thoughts, i don't regret blowing this matter up. it can mke me learn something new like how to handle friendships in the future. i just want to apologise to you. yes you. apologise for all those unneccessary misunderstandings in the past. i know it's not right for me to say about you here, but i think we are both stubborn people. if i don't make the first step, nobody will. when you have read until here, you'll probably think that i am rather childish, blowing things up and wanting to make peace again, just like i always do. but just not to make us each awkward(probably you won't care :l ), i really apologise to you. you can call me a loser or whatsoever. but that's what i have to say now.

i don't accept your forgiveness.
but i have to apologise for my wrongdoings, that's part of life.

sorry, tanya.
it's all up to you now.
this person was online @ 6:23 PM

Friday, February 16, 2007

oh HAHA! whatever. the words you used: include, trying, very hard. it's like you are trying to accept me like i just can't click with you, you know? oh, yea you don't. i am just this person who wants to join into you two isn't it? and you are probably thinking that i am blowing things up. fine, if that's how you think. you trying very hard? no. 'trying' itself is already like trying to do something that is so so difficult for you. why? why would a friend try to not leave her friend out? why TRY? i thought friends are naturally there for each other, without 'trying'? it's a normal act for friends to not leave each other out, but in this case, it is you trying not to, therefore, i don't think this is a real and true solid friendship. and you say it's not your fault, does that mean that i am complaining too much? yea, to you maybe. since it's so hard and you don't apprecitiate this friendship, let's just stop here okay? stop this friendship, and stop us from getting hurt. so you don't have to see all my complaints which irritates you so much.

one final
one last shot.
it's not worth to cry and think anymore.
i've made up my mind.
this person was online @ 8:26 PM

i've just watched the many of black parade videos! so nice! and i think gerard really feels for FAMOUS LAST WORDS! he is so emotional! and he is cute. he is smacking himself and being very spastic i laughed like mad whn i saw him in the video doing funny actions. lol. ARGH! he said many f words n the song, like being really pissed with something which i think it's true. and i watched the making of FAMOUS LAST WORDS parts 1-3. nice! really! they burnt all the props and stuffs taken from the 1st single WELCOME TO THE BLACK PARADE. seeing them being burnt Bob said he can't believe it. anyway, i pity Bob, he burnt his leg during the last shot of FAMOUS LAST WORDS. and it was painful!eeee, i feel the pain too! ahhhhhh.
this person was online @ 6:19 PM

i am supposed to write postcards for 3rd clarinets, ahma, madeline, yingying, kid... that's all i guess.

i don't like you. you never know how hurt i feel. her here her there. true friends? you yourself claim that and you don't care now. you see my heart bleeding? no i don't think so. you can just walk off like that to sit with her, and without telling me anything. yes, i can see, but can you at least have some decency to 'remind' me?

OH YEA, WHO CARES ABOUT SHANGYU. nobody

you two are always together. in class, somewhere. even ahma asked me why i didn't go to the store on wednesday, she only saw both of you. what happened to the friendship for the past two half yrs? gone? now, you only treat me as cold as you can. just because we are not together there, and whenever i look at both of you at a distant laughing, having fun, i'll feel that Heaven is unfair to me. perhaps, God is punishing me. but i don't know what has happened. everytime when you say, " i want HER." "nah nah, i want to sit with HER.", how would I feel? i am a human being with feelings, a heart not a toy you can play around with. when you are happy, you talk to me as warm as possible, if not, you are off to find HER, as usual. i am always the boring person in your eyes. what are friends for? friends are those who don't care how you are like and treat you equally as others. not like she's boring then i don't want to talk to her. oh, SHE is interesting and SHE amuses me, then you stick with HER more. simply sad and hurt i feel.

the school and classes are already disasters for me. i simply know the class hates me. whenever i try to tell the class something or ask for something, i can't perk up the courage to do so. what caused this? your hostality and my self confidence. laughings, mockings, jeerings, all happen in the class. alright, so yea i am not as GOOD as you, and you can laugh at that. it's been 1 year. i've been trying to fit in but i can never fit in. it's never going to happen. and for your info, that green bottle is a birthday gift from sj. not because i copy whoever in the school who is obviously you. you know who you are. do you know how much i yearn to leave this school? never to see you people again. God, please help.

and now, you and her are driving me crazy. aiya, i really hope this would be the last post about this matter, i really don't want to blow matters up. how long will our friendship last? i really hope it will be long. everytime i post about this matter, my heart aches, do you think i want to tell you this? no! but it's been in my heart for such a long time. seriously, think. do i have to always do something like that to regain our friendship? it's like i am forcing you to do so. i don't like it this way, neither do you. one day, you'll just get sick of me and my posts and dump me behind. i don't want that to happen. so let's cooperate.

i am really sick of this! i can't stand it anymore. let's not leave each other out. i don't like anyone to feel left out here. if one feels left out by the other, she will try to get back at that person by leaving her out. i don't want!

hurt
this person was online @ 3:50 PM

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

AGAIN!!! yay! i like this.

Your True Birth Month Is February

Sharp Ambitious Spendthrift Loves reality Loves freedom Temperamental Low self esteem Honest and loyal Abstract thoughts Daring and stubborn Changing personality Showing anger easily Intelligent and clever Loves aggressiveness Quiet, shy and humble Learns to show emotions Rebellious when restricted Determined to reach goals Superstitious and ludicrous Dislikes unnecessary things Realizing dreams and hopes Too sensitive and easily hurt Loves entertainment and leisure Romantic on the inside not outside Loves making friends but rarely shows it

this person was online @ 11:34 PM

another one...

You Are 4: The Individualist

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

this person was online @ 11:27 PM

i am pretty bored you see. so i go check up things. and i am not happy again.
i've not done amath! and checking up on english! for your info, i am not coming to school tmr morning. oh yea, must bring mummy trackpants.
alrighty, bye people.

i hate you. you whom i hate.

You Are 50% Left Brained, 50% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

this person was online @ 11:13 PM

Friday, February 09, 2007

I HATE YOU MORE AND MORE. DAY BY DAY. YOU ALWAYS COME TO MY CLASS FOR WHAT? THEN COME TO MY CLASS WITHOUT SAYING HI AND JUST WALK OFF. SO MEAN. I MEAN WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? I HAVE A FEELING THAT YOU HATE ME. AND WANT TO SPITE ME. AND IT'S TRUE HOR? WHATEVER. THEN YOU JUST GRAB A CHAIR AND SIT OPP THEM AND YOU THINK WHAT I DON'T CARE? DIDN'T YOU SAY IF YOU WOULDN'T LET ME FEEL LEFT OUT? THERE YOU GO AGAIN. SO WHAT'S THE WHOLE POINT? YOU ARE SAD? DO YOU THINK I AM NOT? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I FEEL? DO YOU THINK I WILL NOT SEE? YOU ARE ALWAYS SO SIAN. WHY? THAT'S YOUR PERSONALITY LOR I THINK. BUT TOO BAD, I DON'T THINK IT'S GOOD. I AM NOT MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS OKAY! FINE! IF THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK.


THE END.
hurtful.
the pain will never go away.
even if it does, there will still be a scar.

POOT
this person was online @ 10:42 PM

hello blog. did you miss me? i'm sure. i got back my O lvl chinese today! i was so overwhelmed when i recieved the results and yea so i cried. i don't know why, others also didn't cry la. nvm abt that, i am happy that i got what i wanted. Thank You God.

"You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor, how shall it be seasoned?"
--Matthew 5:13

i realised always when i am down, i'll always be alone. nobody will ever understand how i am feeling right now. it's complicated. isit because my blog is so sad that nobody visits? i dun expect pple to visit but i think i will be a loner forever. sighx. i am emotional, YES? but can't you show some concern. i don't like you. i hate this world and i hate you. my blog is sadistic yes, but i really feel that you can't be trusted. you said you will try to not leave me out, but see what you've done? i don't want to dampen your mood with this post, but i really can't endure it anymore. i need to talk to someone, but it seems like nobody wants to listen to me. and that hurts. so i shall rant on my blog. but you've already left me out. u've not done ur part as a friend, as a listener. you always seem so lost in ur own world. you always seem so attached to her. what happened? what happened to our bond last yr? last yr, we were alright. then this yr, u seemed to be always with her. it's is irritating to see u. i am irritated. apparentlyy u dun care abt how i feel. i told u to be livelier and u told me the same thing, to be happier. i know she is same section as u, i am also your friend. somethings u can talk to me too. the bond seemed to fade away now. i don't understand! you are so cold toards me and i just can't stand it!
oh, so that's YOUR personality, well, i don't like it.


FUCK
this person was online @ 6:15 PM

Sunday, February 04, 2007

i went to change shoes ytd! yay! i shall update photos!

cathlin and aqila!



cathlin's phone!, we took each other's phone opp.


random pictures! there's yingying with her big head.


and this is the retardprince's UGLY face!


prince's cake! she light up the candles all by herself! yay!


i love prince!
MUACKS!

i think she is so RANDOM! yucks-
this person was online @ 9:52 PM

Friday, February 02, 2007

yesterday was retardprince's 16 birthday!happy birthday prince! yay. i love me. i love my presents. especially the converse shoes. but the size too big, tmr we are going out to change the size yay! and thank you all who wished prince a happy birthday. i wish to comment on GIRLFRIEND, vanessa lee and mummySOH! they are so cute! errr, as in their presents. jin jin brought me a bottle and it's it's it's green! then mummydear and kid forgot to take off the price tag on their present. so clever. but the present very cute. it's cute la, as in not like those cute=soft toys or babies. abit random, but i say it's cute. hah! i went home and saw the pencil case and laughed my head off! so funny. i don't know why! but thank you mummyLOVE and kid! i love you all! muacks. mummy don't ignore me. okay great. i love dumbo. thank you sec 2s!!! yay! i shall name it pealynni! haha! so cute right! thank you drum major for her chocolates! JI LIAN! thank you tanya and huangbaohui for the cute mug. thank you pohpoh for your cute notebook! it's pink! ahhhhh! thankyou daddy for the nice nice orange adi polo tee. i shall wear it tmr for outing. hah! thank you YIN XUE for the instant popcorn, but i think very salty. i think must pop more and longer. thank you! i am grateful! lastly, my dear sec 3s, i love you all. muacks! thanks for the shoes. i am really happy! really really! although the class like didn't sing a song, but my section did and that's enough for prince to be happy. obviously the class is 'oblivious'(as if). i wish! nvm. si wei! don't worry about my present! =D i just ate my cake. mummy bought this nice nice chocolate cake for prince! too sweet!

and chem SPA sucks! i did my titration on the bench instead of the stool! argh. and i accidentally knock the burette and it went swinging around, i feel so pig! so clumsy! ahhhh! and malu infront of mc! hah! i am like writing crap to my english arguementative writing!! i hate it. i am so going to fail my life!

i shall rant here. i hate her more and more. it can be anyone in general, i shall not say. one more day in school makes hell to my life. i feel that nobody out there can help me. i can rant to livia and she is a good listener, but not the others. i feel that the other people around me are very insensitive to me. when you say you understand me and know me and know how i feel, think again, do you really know me? i really hate it to see you and others together so happy, but with me a sulky face. i am trying to be sensitive to your feelings but have you ever thought about mine? i feel hurt. what happened? am i that bad that you hate me so much that you want to get rid of me? i just want a sensitive and true friend. but i don't seem to know where my true friend is. i am lost, who can save me? God. only God do know how i am really feeling. sometimes, i feel so sad that i just want to face God, and only God alone. i want to talk to Him. i want to go up There. this feeling has not only happened once but many times. when you are not around, i cry to myself, even when i am sleeping, i cry. i am trying to be strong here, but i just can't. i know that one day i cannot rely on you anymore, i'll just collapse. but i hope that wouldn't happen. i just hope this friendship will last forever. but, i'll also try to adapt to life without you. what if one day, i am alone. so like livia said, i can't always rely on you. you often take me for granted, and picking me up as a favourite toy; throwing me away as a useless thing makes me hurt. i can win the best actress awards. i am not only refering to one person with the above description, so if you think it's you, then let it be. i am just ranting, because i have too much sorrows within me. i cannot contain it anymore. i am sad. i often tell people i am sad. why? they ask, i don't know. just miserable. maybe i am over-sensitive, but you can try to put your feet in my shoes and think if you were me, how would you react? you always seem so happy with other people but not me. you can say that jealously or whatever, but i would also want you to treat me like a true friend. leaving me out of every game would only hurt me more and more, and cause my hate for you to grow more and more.
//
finally here's a poem that shows how and what i feel about this whole thing.

this person was online @ 10:12 PM