Saturday, January 24, 2009

I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

There’s no one that I hate so much, beside myself.

After living for almost 18 years, I’ve never ever achieved anything that made me proud of myself. Not even saying making my mum proud of me. Well, today I got back something that really stabbed into my soul. Okay that sounds reasonably wrong and I do not care, see. Anyway, I am disappointed, to put in simple terms. As usual, my hope has just vanished into thin air. I think that’s the reason why I am coughing, my lungs feel uncomfortable, and plus my two wisdom teeth are extracted, that makes me even more uncomfortable.

I really didn’t know what to do, when I got the envelope, I took it out slowly, and like I am peeping on somebody else’s results rather than mine. Well, when I was reading the comments for my first, it has good and bad points. Same goes for all the rest. But I had a gut feeling, that I am doomed. I am so dead. But, yes, I truly am DEAD. How disappointed and depressed and unhappy and angry. All the money and time, gone to waste. I have never ever felt like the whole world is coming down. And I am going to stop class, until after a levels. HA. How nice and ironic that the examiner commented that my dress code was professional. But what’s the use? I have nothing inside me, it’s just a fake, an outer covering. What’s the use?

I held back my tears, ‘cause my mum’s there. But when I went back, I cried. I cried like I never cried for a long time. Yes I have not cried for a long time. As in really cry because of something. Not just those ridiculous childish tantrum cries. Shakes my big stupid head. I seriously think that someone should screw my spoilt brain, I think the system has become corrupted. In other words, I need to see a counselor! ((: Do you think that I am mad now? Maybe that’s the reason for me not being so likeable? Or is it just because I am not friendly enough. HO! I do not know. But demoralized me is very very confused now. So how? What should I do? For the first time, I lost my direction in life. It had always been my forte. (Or maybe not, cos I am lousy.) and now I have nothing to be glad about. Nothing to look forward to every start of the school day. Nothing to bang about. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing in my life. I have lost you. When can I find you back?

I am sure. I WILL MISS YOU. I think this applies to every musician? I am not sure either. I am screwed and damned and doomed that everything, absolutely everything, is too late to say. But NOT DO. I can still do. With time AND HARDWORK. Not just roughly practise. I LACK PRACTISE.

So basically, I deserve it! Idiot. Just admit it man! You deserve it ZSY!