Sunday, February 18, 2007

for once, i did not twist your words. and i did not run to my LITTLE friends to act pathetic. they are not little. at least they understands me. i totally agree that they don't understand your side of story, totally, yes. so now, you too doesn't understand some parts of my story. so now it is that we both can't understand each other's side of story and plus! you were insensitive, agree on that. and for me, i was insensitive too, you know for sure! why do i always turn to these juniors of mine, you may ask. i want to turn to you too, but the feeling you give me is like before i can say anything i'll feel the rejection. because you simply don't listen. and at least livia and aqila, they do listen, give me advice. you give advice too, but the next time i want to talk to you, i'll feel very unwelcome. and for once, i told them the truth and never twist your words. you also don't see it here do you? and i don't see your side so it is 50:50. so now, i am not begging, kneeling down before you to make up with you, but just for your info, i don't like disputes. so whether we want to continue this friendship or just stop it here and get done with this childish little thing. yes, i am childish at times. i know that. that is my weak point, but that doesn't mean you don't have weak points. now, i need to tell you the truth. from young, i had NO childhood. no sympathy here please. the reason was, i was always locked up in my house alone, my parents going to work. i didn't know what the world was like to me. and from primary 4 we shift house and that was when i began to meet some new friends and all. i was like now still this not very sociable girl. so from young my mum was very protective of me and made me feel as if i was still a little baby. right. and until now, i have this little brother, then that made me realised that i am this big sister, 15 yrs apart. i have to be independent. i tried to changed, to suit the everchanging circle of friends. i've changed. but maybe like you said, i am still so immature. well, that's for me. i've opened up my heart, my inner self, told you my side of story. and i don't understand you, that means you are saying that you can't tolerate this anymore, you've put up with me for so long, why not tell m earlier and not until now? yes, i am sensitive, i cry at every single thing. and you think i am blowing it up. right. i am so sensitive that i can manage to spot things that no one else can. alright. i've been brought up like that, i had not much friends in primary school, and you were once popular isn't it? i have not much confidence. everyone has low self esteem, yes. that's not surprising. right, so i complain about very slight little things. and you? middleman for me and GV, me and baohui, me and sweejin(err.. actually it's for swejin and me. u should complain to her if you are not happy). is that a problem? so yeah, helping your friends make peace with another friend is such a burden for you? no? you've asked me to help you choose your shirt size, yea that's a small thing again right? so why ask me? sometimes, little things i've helped you, u've all forgotten, or have you not. if not, you always prefer sj or other people. yea so she is amusing, yes. but me, i am boring. yes not enough to entertain you. so must every friend of yours be entertaining and then you'll be their friend? think about that. yea, i agree that you have the right to talk with people, laugh and have fun with people who are not me, yes. yea yea, i don't know. yea yea.

so much for sitting together last year. so much for this 3 and a half years friendship. people always say when they have gone through thick and thin together, they'll get to know each other better. you must be pretty pissed off right now. i was quite pissed when i read your blog too. but i read it a second time, i tried to stand in your shoes and think. yes, maybe shangyu was really childish afterall. but sometimes, you are insensitive(truth it is), like going to sj when i am sitting here. if i were you, i would have asked you, "do you want to join us to sit there?" just forget about the past, i hope. i mean those bad times. i still remember during sec 2, we meet up early in the morning to prepare for SYF, i remember you coming to my class after school to get changed and go for band. have you forgotten how we signed up together for the job attachment? how we want to go to JC together? now, my friend, have you forgotten? maybe now you'll regret what you've said(like being my true friend and going to JC, blah blah). but i never will. i had always thought that you forgot about those good times, tell me that i'm wrong.

"let me ask you, do you regret knowing me as a friend?" my answer for that is no, i don't regret knowing you as a friend. you've taught me alot in the past years, like how to treasure a present given to me, and how to speak proper english, although i still suck, and how to love MCR. i have not forgotten. but i can't believe that you wrote those harsh words in your blog. harsh like getting really sick and pissed off with me la. i am very paranoid with people, yes. when they look at me and talk, i'll be kinda paranoid. and sometimes, it is true that they are talking about me. well maybe because they never seem to look in your way when talking about your back. yea. or you just don't care. i don't really care much, although i know that i am still very irritating to tell you every single thing, you see, i have no one to talk to at home(i mean pple about the same age). poot.

after careful thoughts, i don't regret blowing this matter up. it can mke me learn something new like how to handle friendships in the future. i just want to apologise to you. yes you. apologise for all those unneccessary misunderstandings in the past. i know it's not right for me to say about you here, but i think we are both stubborn people. if i don't make the first step, nobody will. when you have read until here, you'll probably think that i am rather childish, blowing things up and wanting to make peace again, just like i always do. but just not to make us each awkward(probably you won't care :l ), i really apologise to you. you can call me a loser or whatsoever. but that's what i have to say now.

i don't accept your forgiveness.
but i have to apologise for my wrongdoings, that's part of life.

sorry, tanya.
it's all up to you now.
this person was online @ 6:23 PM