|
Friday, February 02, 2007 and chem SPA sucks! i did my titration on the bench instead of the stool! argh. and i accidentally knock the burette and it went swinging around, i feel so pig! so clumsy! ahhhh! and malu infront of mc! hah! i am like writing crap to my english arguementative writing!! i hate it. i am so going to fail my life! i shall rant here. i hate her more and more. it can be anyone in general, i shall not say. one more day in school makes hell to my life. i feel that nobody out there can help me. i can rant to livia and she is a good listener, but not the others. i feel that the other people around me are very insensitive to me. when you say you understand me and know me and know how i feel, think again, do you really know me? i really hate it to see you and others together so happy, but with me a sulky face. i am trying to be sensitive to your feelings but have you ever thought about mine? i feel hurt. what happened? am i that bad that you hate me so much that you want to get rid of me? i just want a sensitive and true friend. but i don't seem to know where my true friend is. i am lost, who can save me? God. only God do know how i am really feeling. sometimes, i feel so sad that i just want to face God, and only God alone. i want to talk to Him. i want to go up There. this feeling has not only happened once but many times. when you are not around, i cry to myself, even when i am sleeping, i cry. i am trying to be strong here, but i just can't. i know that one day i cannot rely on you anymore, i'll just collapse. but i hope that wouldn't happen. i just hope this friendship will last forever. but, i'll also try to adapt to life without you. what if one day, i am alone. so like livia said, i can't always rely on you. you often take me for granted, and picking me up as a favourite toy; throwing me away as a useless thing makes me hurt. i can win the best actress awards. i am not only refering to one person with the above description, so if you think it's you, then let it be. i am just ranting, because i have too much sorrows within me. i cannot contain it anymore. i am sad. i often tell people i am sad. why? they ask, i don't know. just miserable. maybe i am over-sensitive, but you can try to put your feet in my shoes and think if you were me, how would you react? you always seem so happy with other people but not me. you can say that jealously or whatever, but i would also want you to treat me like a true friend. leaving me out of every game would only hurt me more and more, and cause my hate for you to grow more and more. // finally here's a poem that shows how and what i feel about this whole thing. PLEASE ... HEAR WHAT I'M NOT SAYING Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fool by the mask I wear. For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that is second nature with me, but don't be fooled. ... I give the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without; that confidence is my name and coolness is my game; that the waters are calm and that I'm in command and I need no one. But don't believe it; please don't. I idly chatter with you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that's really nothing, nothing of what's crying withing me. So when I'm going through my routine, don't be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying; what I'd like to be able to say; what, for survival, I need to say but I can't say. I dislike the hiding. Honestly I do. I dislike the superficial phnoy games I'm playing. I'd really like to be genuine, spontaneous, and me; but you have to help me. You have to help me by holding out your hand, even when that's the last thing I seem to want or need. Each time you are kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings. Very small wings. Very feeble wings. But wings. With your sensitivity and sympathy and your power of understanding, I can make it. You can breathe life into me. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walss. But love is stronger than strong walls, and therein lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive, amd I am a child. Who am I, you may wonder. For I am every man, every woman, every child ... every human you meet. this person was online @ 10:12 PM I typed |